and always one more time.
-Maya Angelou
This single is ready to mingle.
That didn't sound fabulous, did it? I felt douchey and juvenile saying that. But before you judge me, know my story:I have been single for a long time now. It was a choice I deliberately made. I allowed myself to feel ALL the emotions that bitter ending brought.
Grief, disappointment, frustration, pain of betrayal, confusion, unforgiveness, grudge, angst, wrath, denial, depression, and what-have-yous were my constant companions.
You see, I believe that all people were born good. So everyone for me deserves a chance. It's disappointing and frustrating to be yet again proven wrong. What's left to believe in?
I closed my door to everyone who tried to woo me. I thought I would be unfair to them. I wanted to heal myself completely first.
All throughout that roller coaster of emotions, I was battling to forgive. Difficult is an understatement. Imagine feeling vindictive while telling yourself, "I want to forgive. This is not me; angry, bitter, unforgiving. I want to be me again; happy, optimistic, hopeful. So today, I decide to forgive," at the same time?
It got kind of bipolar-ish for a while there. My emotions was the tale of the two wolves for some time. But it was so difficult because as much as I wanted to feed the good wolf, the evil wolf was quicker and stronger. Most of the time, I lost the battle and succumbed to the evil one. I allowed it to consume me.
It was becoming a cycle. But the stubborn kid in me won't allow one heartbreak to destroy my entire life. That was not who I was born to be. I deserve more than that.
It got easier through time. Or maybe I just got stronger. Either way, I learned to love myself in the truest sense.
I allowed myself to be happy again. I helped myself. Because let's face it. No matter how many books you read, no matter how wise the advice you receive from people, if you won't help yourself, no one else would.
So I smartened up. I shifted the energy and attention I spent unleashing anger into fulfilling activities. I tried new things that I never thought I would dare do.
I spent more time with the people who value and appreciate me, drinking up all the love they offer to fill up my emptying love tank.
I allowed myself to be angry with God because I felt He did not protect me enough. Then again, it was not His decision in the first place. It was my recklessness which I so shamelessly blame on Him.
I came to my senses and made my peace with Him. After all the blaming, the questioning and the hating, guess what He did? He didn't even make me take all the steps towards Him. He ran towards me when He saw me approaching. He embraced me. No questions, no reprimanding, no "I told you so". He accepted me back and loved me as if I have never sinned. He is a prodigal Father.I got so busy being happy again. I got preoccupied thinking, planning and acting to show my love to myself. I am terribly at peace with myself and with everything that's happening around me
I forgot that I must share this love and this beautiful life with someone.
Sure, there is no need for that if I am already okay with how my life is turning out. But somehow, I feel a nudge, a pull towards this path again. I feel like I have to continue the quest of finding the elusive one---the one.
I think I've given myself more than enough room to breathe, to grow and to bounce back.
I think my love tank is full enough that I won't be putting myself and the other person's life in misery by acting like a selfish, hungry, demanding toddler.I feel like I'm whole enough and ready to share my wholeness with another whole person. Because I believe that
a happy relationship is made of two happy individuals, not by two miserable souls seeking for someone to make them happy.
I don't know what surprises this year holds for me. I have plans but I know that God's plans will still prevail. I'm wise enough now to accept it whatever it will be because never had I proven that my plans are better than His.I'm putting everything on His caring hands as I step out the doors I once closed...single and ready to mingle.
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50 comments
Been there, done that....and now I have a wonderful 30 year marriage to a man who share happy times with me!
ReplyDeleteI am happy for you, for your decision to open your heart again, and be ready to fall in love. I agree with you, unleashing your negative emotions into some forms of creative effort really help in the process of moving on. It is hard to forgive especially when the wounds cut so deep, but only by forgiving can we completely heal and free ourselves. Congratulations!
ReplyDeleteAwesome post! Happy Friday dear! :)
ReplyDeletexoxo;
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I am so adding douchey to my vocabulary!!!! I love this. Embrace it all! ;)
ReplyDeleteHi again, dear Super-Lux! I've been through the wringer several times in my life and experienced the same emotions you had. You were wise to give yourself time to heal and become whole again, even experience joy again. What you wrote in the third from last paragraph is key. << a happy relationship is made of two happy individuals, not by two miserable souls seeking for someone to make them happy. >> No one can "make you happy." Happiness must come from within. When a person who is hurting and desperate for love hooks up with another who is in the same state of mind, the resulting relationship can be a disaster. A person who has it together but takes in a "stray cat" believing they can change or fix that person is also asking for trouble. It takes two happy, secure, level headed people to make a successful relationship and even then it takes work, compromise and sacrifice to make it last.
ReplyDeleteHappy Thursday, dear friend SuperLux!
My wish for you is that you find someone who is worthy of you. You have gone through a thorough search of your soul and it will take a special person to match his soul with yours.
ReplyDeletesuch a great post dear hope you find an awesome guy
ReplyDeleteAmazing post, I really love meaningful and open posts like this, so real and I feel like I get to know you much better.
ReplyDeleteI saw a sign on a church once that read "happiness is an inside job" and I think it is true to a large degree. Sounds like you have your head in a much better place now. Good Luck!!! Hopefully you will find a really good one!
ReplyDeleteWOW! Say on sister! We have traveled the same road and ended up in the same location. Beautifully expressed. Now...you get him. (And don't settle for anything less than you deserve.
ReplyDeleteSometimes it takes a lot of work to repair the future. Well done, you --and best of luck.
ReplyDeleteWhen I declared being done and accepted that as how my life was, when I stopped *wanting* The relationship, I received it. I'd been in a few years long relationships that weren't it no matter how I may have at one point wanted it to be. Then I had a fast relationship that *seemed* the right one, but that ended in such heartache. I had a crisis and I was mad with my Higher Power. That's when I fully accepted that I was OK without. Then came Jun and here we are.
ReplyDeleteGood luck to you receiving what's right when it's right. :)
I have gone through all these emotions too... I have forgiven 'him' a long time ago, if I were to ever see him again... I would smile and wish him well, I truly want 'him' to be happy. I never plotted to hurt 'him', I never could. The one I had the issue with was 'her' for doing all that she could to break our friendship apart (she succeeded), she was manipulative and very insecure... still I don't wish anything bad on her and I don't have a desire to hurt her. (I sometimes think I would love for her to know the truth, the one where he and I were conversing pretty romantically on line (just friends) just three days before she moved to him. I did not know she existed or was moving there)... I guess I don't like people thinking I am a liar, it is enough for me to know I have everything written, time dated and stamped but I won't use it against either of them... I wish them happiness...
ReplyDeleteI wish you much love and happiness, I know you will find a wonderful guy, you exude such confidence... I don't think I am ready to give my heart to anyone yet, not sure I could handle it being broken again, at least not now... Have a great weekend xox
solid. it sounds like you have given yourself the time....learning to love yourself...and making peace with god (for our own decisions) clears you up to move on to something much better...i have had to do that in my own life...
ReplyDeleteVery nicely written and I loved reading through it. I have been hurt too before but I learned to move on and now am happily settled with no regrets. Best of luck in mingling and I'm sure it gonna be good.
ReplyDeleteHmm, I can so relate with this post. Just a little over six months ago, my 9 years and 6 months old relationship came to an end 3 months short of plans to get married. I was so hurt I promised myself to never ever again allow anybody into my heart. I began the process of building walls around my heart. It took 4 months after it ended for him to stop making me feel like it was all my fault, and to admit that he was on a path which was not worth it for me to follow him That was the closure I so badly needed. I entered 2015 so at peace with myself and with no single shred of bitterness in my heart towards him. But I still knew no one was coming anywhere close to this heart of mine. 2 years into the new year, I was reading Stephan Labossiere's book "God, where is my Boaz?" and all of a sudden, I got the revelation of who it was I should have allowed into my heart in the first place. It sounds funny because this guy had been madly in love with me way back when I was focused on getting my dysfunctional relationship to work at all cost because of the time I'd invested in it. Suffice it to say, I've found myself in love when that was the last thing on my mind. My 2015 resolutions had nothing to do with love or marriage in it. But here I find myself :D
ReplyDeleteI admire how you took time to heal and learn to love yourself again, it shows that you're a selfless person. I wish people will learn to love themselves first before jumping into relationships.
ReplyDeleteI praythat you find love now that you're ready
Yet again another good news hehe.... single ready to mingle~ It is nice to know how you consider relationship and learn to heal~ I am single ready to mingle lol!
ReplyDeleteEnjoy all the bitter emotions and get on with life as there is a bright new world waiting out there.
ReplyDeleteHahaha Lux...I had to laugh when I read this part - 'As for now, I'm declaring to the universe that this single is ready to mingle.'....Mami...I am happy and so proud of you...I am happy you took the time to heal and I am proud of you that you knew what you needed to do and you were not afraid to take a long time to heal. Like Esther said, people need to learn to love themselves...cuz I believe that if you can love yourself well enough, you can certainly love another...Lovely post Lux....How are you doing mami....**whispering** I saw you best lie ever...EPIC!
ReplyDeleteGood post :)
ReplyDeleteRelax...everything is going to be alright :)
I guess finding happiness in the decisions you've taken is all that matters! Have a lovely weekend! <3
ReplyDeleteXx,
Nilu Yuleena
BIG hair LOUD mouth
Leave the sadness behind and welcome all positive thinking to be your really best friend:) not too long you will meet your charming! I met the stranger lovely man in my life many many years ago at our lunches and here we are with three kids together as everrrr happy maride, nothing secret but being easy and positive over be yourself and respect who you really are:). Wishing you all the best and that your Prince Charming find his way to you soon:).
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your darling coment lovely.
Ox Tanya
http://attraction2fashion.com
Thank you for sharing with us your intimate experience, I'm glad you overcome your sorrow with your introspection!
ReplyDeleteI can't wait to read what comes next :-)
Baci,
Coco et La vie en rose - Valeria Arizzi
I think it is wonderful that you gave yourself the time you needed to heal and feel whole again. It is hard to put yourself out there in the dating world before you feel ready. Good for you for doing what you needed to do first! Best of luck. :)
ReplyDelete~Jess
Although I'm happy for you that you took the time to heal, I would definitely be happier for you if you found "the one." Absolutely inspiring post. Keep me updated on how it goes. :)
ReplyDeleteIt isn't easy to open our heart and move on, but I am very proud of you...you have!
ReplyDeleteWhat a great post. I agree with you one hundred per cent, no amount of self-help books and good advice are of any use if you are not ready to help yourself. It's great that you are allowing yourself to be happy again.
ReplyDeleteHello, greetings.
ReplyDeleteAmazing post. I am glad you got over your breakup although it took some time. Life is for living. Our joy, our happiness, our disappointments, our sadness, our anger, our frustration etc. etc. are the result of our own thoughts. If we can be happy with ourselves, if we can be at peace with ourselves then no disappointment will pull us down. But as human beings this is not always the case. We suffer, we blame ourselves, we agonize and some come out of such miserable situation soon while others take longer. The most important thing is to get rid of those thoughts which pull us down and depress.
We have only one life to live. We wont come back here again.
It is interesting to note that you called God as prodigal Father whereas in the Bible I only know about a prodigal son.
It is wonderful that now you are ready to meet your prince charming. I hope he comes along soon.
Best wishes
I enjoyed this post. :-D Don't feel juvenile. Excitement has a way of bringing the inner child out. Besides, it seems you've grown in ways that will help you in life. I hope 2015 is a fabulous year for you!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post!! You thought all the right things, just took some time, that's natural!! Next time, anyway, don't trust somebody immediately, give it some time..... (at least that's what I would tell myself but then again, when it happens it happens :)))
ReplyDeleteRosa
Styleyourselfinstyle.blogspot.com
I can totally relate to it.. I have been through the same.. and I have the same to declare now :D Happy for you
ReplyDeleteLovely post my dear!! I totally agree we should love ourselves in order to be happy. I love your post and I see that you bare an emotional and strong woman!:)
ReplyDeleteAmazing post. Most people depend on others to gain happiness, but the truth is it always comes from within. :)
ReplyDeleteHey, sometimes you have to be alone to find yourself and to learn what you truly want in life. Better be alone than with every jerk :(
ReplyDeleteLovely post. Thanks for sharing. Kiss, Mel
www.livingoncloude9.com
This is such a beautiful and emotionally connecting post! We all deserve our own love and self-respect. It isn't easy to move on, but He helps us <3
ReplyDeleteLovely post!!
MJ // www.littlepandacrafts.blogspot.com
New year, new adventures. Best wishes with this and everything else in this new year!
ReplyDeleteYou have to be so proud of yourself :)))
ReplyDeleteI don't know if I could have done the same as you...
Great!
xoxo
www.bellezzefelici.blogspot.com
I was exactly like you a year back babe!!! Frustrated, and disappointed with everything. I literally gave up on love. And then an amazing human being came into my life. And all i can say is, when time is right for you, you will get it. When he came into my life, I was already pretty much settled down with work load. I mean, trust me, if he had come earlier, it would have ended as well. But it's all about the timing :) And now''s your timing, sweetie! <3
ReplyDeletehttp://anshul90.com
I believe it takes a while. We need time for everyone, including ourselves. :)
ReplyDeleteHappy new year.
I agree 100% that you need to be happy with yourself before you can truly be happy in a relationship. Good for you for working that all out! Have fun mingling now!!!
ReplyDeleteAww.. i hope now you find true love
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Lux, I love your line "a happy relationship is made of two happy individuals, not by two miserable souls seeking for someone to make them happy." Praying you find a Godly man to love you unconditionally. :-)
ReplyDeleteHi Lux! You seem to have touched a nerve with your readers, there are so many comments! Isn't it a wonderful thing to know that you are ready to move forward? You wisely took time for yourself, to make sure you healed and was happy. Onward now!
ReplyDeleteMay 2015 be a wonderful adventure in finding out what God is calling you to do, and who he is calling you to meet. Should be pretty exciting :)
Ceil
It is great that you let yourself go through the emotions I feel more people need to do that, good for you! Good luck :)
ReplyDeletehttp://floralsandsmiles.blogspot.ca/
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Hey doll, am glad you decided to forgive. Forgiveness is not something we do for others but for ourselves to be better and move on... Again, if you truly want to love, you must learn how to forgive.....
ReplyDeleteSometimes it takes a lot of work to repair the future
ReplyDeletewell done, good luck !
I'm following you now GFC.
xo
http://www.thetrendysurfer.com/
Great title! :) Learning to love yourself is so important in the single journey because you will have a better starting point when seeking a new relationship. Good luck and prayers for what God will reveal this year.
ReplyDeleteNicely written post. I can relate to it.. its not easy to forgive and then to move on! Time is a healer. Happy to see you happy! :)
ReplyDeleteI WISH ALL YOUR WISHES COME TRUE IN 2015 !! :)
All those emotions you mentioned are often what we go through when we have been betrayed. I wonder how Jesus felt on the cross after he had been betrayed? I do remember that he said, "Father forgive them for they know not what they are doing." This example for us is to learn to forgive like Jesus did. In fact bring Jesus into the picture when there is a need to forgive and ask Jesus to also forgive this person. Not always easy, but it is important. I enjoyed your lovely story how you came out of the tunnel smelling like a rose! :-) Thank you for sharing with us here at Tell me a Story."
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